Sunday, April 18, 2010

Spiritual Warfare

So lately these days, my life has been slowly going down the drain. To be honest, I think the last time I read the bible when it wasn't a Sunday was about almost a month ago. I am so spiritually tired and discouraged by people that I feel bitter and angry these days, but I do catch myself in my sinful ways.

Before I go any further, this isn't a confession of my sins. This is a cry for encouragement, help, and the gospel to remain the one driving passion in my life.

I remember it all started on my birthday. I remember someone specifically asked me how long I was going to stay single. It completely caught me off guard. So I answered the person back, "Oh I'm not sure. I guess until God provides for me a girlfriend". See I didn't think that anybody would ask me this question, especially on my birthday. In my head, when I think of what other people think about me, I don't think, "Jimmy is the greatest example of singleness" or "Jimmy can be such a great boyfriend". I think I'm a regular person on the street that God loves. I never even thought about getting a girlfriend or wanting to be in a relationship before that day.

(To that person that asked me that question, I don't blame you and I know it came from your curiosity. And if you need to seek forgiveness, I have already forgiven you.)

After I gave my answer, I thought about that question more and other questions about my insecurities in life. I never felt so discouraged before by anyone and worst yet it was me. I was the one that was discouraging myself and it was only with questions.

Because I was getting so discouraged, I felt like I had to make an effort to put myself back on track with my enjoyment of God. But the more I faked it, the worse it got. Even worse, people at Temple were discouraging me because of what they thought was a sinful attitude or behavior arising inside of me.

(To those of you who discouraged me and justified it by saying it was constructive criticisms, I would like to say that you knew so little of what was going on in my life currently. I didn't need criticisms filled with, "Jimmy take a look at yourself. You are sinful and it hurts others". I wanted brothers and sisters who could pick me up, not people who pushed me down even further. This isn't condemnation directed at you. I am merely stating that I am not the only victim here and I do get hurt by others, directly and indirectly. So please do not think I'm invincible or else I wouldn't be putting this up.)

This attack was not only plain to see, but most of it laid in my mind. I was my own worst enemy. An insecurity that I am struggling with is my singleness. I love being single. It is so freeing and it has taught me a greater understanding of God's relation to everything, especially about relationships. I like to think of my singleness as temporary, so I would like to enjoy the best of it. However Satan keeps telling me of the loneliness that I have been avoiding and the longing that I want of completeness. Through this experience I have become more impatient and upset at God's plan. I do try my best to believe in His perfect plan for me, but I am reminded more and more of what I don't have.

Another attack that Satan has been using is if I don't have a girlfriend right now, its because I am repulsive. In other people's eyes, I am pitied and have loads of attention. But because I am pitied, my relation with people will never get past this stage. So if I am forever going to be pitied, how will any one fall in love with me? So this lead to me thinking that people actually think I'm repulsive. Either I must have an ugly personality or looks because I don't see or hear from anyone that I'm a great guy or that I am blessed with a great heart. But because I don't see or hear these things, this lead to a lower image of me and a estimation of what other people thought about me.

Another common attack that Satan uses is my family. I won't get into details of how he has been using it, but Satan has been pulling up old memories that I had forgotten. Because of these memories, I have been making amends to myself, that I am going to become the best dad, husband and son because my household that I am going to build is going to be better than the one that I was raised up in. My children will never shoulder any pain or bitterness against me. My wife is going to be showered with praise and love. And I will love my father and mother and heed their advice instead of bicker. This lead to a competitiveness in people's sins with my own. This competitiveness didn't apply only to my family but with other people as well.

After seeing all of these attacks, Satan has been discouraging me by saying, "Look at yourself. Look at all of the issues and burdens that you carry upon yourself. How can God say He loves His children if you are the one that is getting hurt the most and other people are getting blessed. You are like the kid that isn't special. There are some that are good with sports and others that are more knowledgeable and wiser. There are even others who are more cheerful and have more friends than you do. You have nothing to offer to people. In the end, you are going to hurt people if you even try at all. Just do God a favor and stand back and let others do his work if you care about God"...I guess it is self explanatory, but yeah I am discouraged from leading next year.

However last week's sermon questioned if I was in spiritual warfare. This week, I confirmed it through today's sermon that I have been under attack and been wounded without my notice. I realized it after Satan was again attacking me today during the sermon and I felt paralyzed at how crippled I have become. I was also in awe of how this attack could cripple others and lead others to never once gain come back to church.

So after the sermon, I decided to talk to P.Dwight because I wanted to seek advice of how to combat it. Seriously, God has blessed P.Dwight and I pray that He will continue to bless him and his household. He basically told me that Satan does use our minds to attack us and that it comes in the most deceptive forms. Because it works, we forget the power of the Justification and Sanctification. That our sins were put on the cross and left us pure white as snow. Because of this act, we are sanctified and made His own. We imperfect, sinful, diseased beings are praised and lifted by all of the heavenly, perfect, sinless host in God's kingdom. So all I need to do is be reminded of the Gospel and how it has rescued me from being crippled under the weight of my sins and that instead it has killed, not crippled, God's own perfect child, so I may live the perfect life that he deserved. However to prove that he is almighty and powerful, he has conquered the grave to show us how worthy he is of our worship.

If you have something to say to either me or anyone please end it with encouragement. If you want someone to be aware of the sin that is crippling them, please make sure that they can be encouraged by gaining a greater view of God's eternal kingdom. God is the one who is lifting us up with encouragements, why not imitate this practice?

My name is Jimmy Song and I am currently in the never-ending cycle of Jesus Fulfilling My Life. I'm not there yet, but I will get there.

1 comment:

sharon Suk said...

jimmy, it hurts me that you've been hurting and that satan has been making you believe lies to be truth which ultimately had you crippled and unable to feel the freedom of the Gospel.

However I am encouraged and comforted that you are realizing the battle and the weapon that you can use to fight against it: Jesus. I really loved today's sermons too and I am realizing many spiritual attacks and lies that satan is using against me. However I feel stronger than EVER because I know i am victorious through Jesus Christ, and I really do hope you feel the same way.

I'll pray that God will lead you to listen and believe only the truths of the bible and fight against the discouragement and lies of satan!

Be strong my brother! and find freedom and strength in the GOSPEL. :)

- your sister/ mama