JFML!

hello guys :] well, as the semester is ending and this was our last small group, I just want to say it was a pleasure meeting all of you guys. i can guarantee in saying that it wouldn't have been the same without each and every individual one of you guys. although i got to know some of you more than others, i'm sure that God has set us to meet each other even if we didn't get as close as we might have liked to. i'm truly glad that i met such mature people about faith because i know that what i struggled with back in high school was people to depend on with my walk with God. i didn't have anyone to point me back to Him and so through my brothers and sisters in Christ that i have met in my first year here at Temple RCF, i have been strengthened and growing in my relationship with God that i have never truly experienced before. i had many chances before, but i didn't have a nurturing environment to solidify that...though i guess it's all a part of God's will haha and i know for a fact that it was God's will that brought me to this ministry, this church, and to you guys and that's why i thank Him for blessing me with such a community as to grow with in friendship, in love for each other and those we are being called to reach out to, and in our love for our Father. i hope that i was a blessing to you all as you were to me because going to JFML every week was really a way to just relax and return to a small community where, though we had our dry moments, i was able to be surrounded by people who actually wanted to be there. you might have been there for just friends and a community or truly wanted to be there to learn more about the Gospel, but what matters is that you guys chose to be there which makes all the difference for me.

i think that the one thing that really defines this year was learning. learning about college and dorm life, roommates, parties, sex, my roommates having sex (sometimes me walking in on them......... -.- ) people, friends, hardships, what it means to really immerse yourself in someone else's life, to see other people for who they are rather than what you automatically make them out to be or what other people define them as, and definitely more about myself. i learned so many things like the faults that i have with every single decision that i make, every single friend that i make, every single discussion i have, every single little detail that i reveal through my words or body language, the impact of myself unto others concerning everything, my faults as i impact others, my faults as i impact God, and the little or big things that impact me good or bad. i have become aware of many things like learning more about my own sinfulness but the utter greatness and perfection of God and Christ's sacrifice for us. i have learned that i depend a lot on other people and the little things that might make or break my day. i also learned how foolish it is to be so emotionally dependent on others and to first seek God in every way so that i may see through God's eyes on how to view other people instead of the way that the world tells me to look. i learned how i relate to other people and what other people think of me and learning how opposite that is to what i feel like. i learned how much of a failure i can truly be. i learned how much i need God. i learned how to begin to trust in the Lord. my eyes were opened this year as i thought about my relationship with God and simply how i felt about Him. do i love Him? what does it mean to love Him or even anyone else? what is love?

as i began searching through these things in my heart, it just gave me a better awareness of myself and where God fit into my life and realized that i generally felt that i was a "good" Christian. no one really hated me or anything and i generally didn't really have any problems with people until i realized how shallow my relationships with people were. i felt like i didn't actually know anyone. although i spent countless hours with friends that i saw nearly everyday, i didn't know anything about what they might be going through, what makes them act certain ways, and just who they were. i simply had a flat view of everyone. there was no depth to our relationships. as i was thinking about this, it started to make me feel rather lonely because how can you trust someone that you don't actually know or that you've only known for a short amount of time? i think that this semester i have been doing what Chris Chong said at the RCF senior friday night which is investing in people and also what Daegyu said which is to love my campus. since i only had been making shallow friendships with people in high school, i didn't know what it meant to love or care for someone more than that first layer of friendship. but as i began to chip away at that and began to get closer to people on a more personal and deep level, i began to realize and see more of my own faults that had been also hiding under that layer. as a result, i began to fail more than i had ever realized before which i guess was also chipping away at a pride that i had not realized was there because of the near perfect image of some model Christian that i had set up. God humbled me in this aspect and is still humbling me as He is showing more of myself but more of His greatness as i am contrasted to His perfection. as of right now, i believe that i am growing now more than ever as i am trying to rely on Christ to change this selfish person that clings to things left and right and that lets his emotions get the best of him... when my heart is searching for something, i will strive to realize that the real thing that my heart is reaching for is God who is the only one that can fill my every needs because He is truly more than enough.

okay haha i wrote quite a lot even though i have work to do... the thing that i need you guys to do is to keep me in prayer :] and to keep me accountable as i seek to serve in this ministry. i know that i have many faults and will ultimately fail whether in a big or small way in the future so i need people who can point these in me (in love!) so that i may better serve others and glorify God to the best of my ability. i hope that we can keep on growing and striving for God more and more together or if God decides to send us off on different paths, i hope that we can still remember each other in love as brothers and sisters that we can depend on because we have the most important factor in every and any relationship which is Christ. so that no matter where we are or what situation that we're in, we can find peace knowing that not only do we have God and Christ, but we also have a community.

this is Richard O and... Jesus Fulfills My Life

i hope that we can all remember and truly know that God is good all the time no matter what situation we are thrown in and no matter what struggles we go through. knowing that i hope we can all remember and keep in mind that only Jesus can fulfill our lives. God bless you all :]

Spiritual Warfare

So lately these days, my life has been slowly going down the drain. To be honest, I think the last time I read the bible when it wasn't a Sunday was about almost a month ago. I am so spiritually tired and discouraged by people that I feel bitter and angry these days, but I do catch myself in my sinful ways.

Before I go any further, this isn't a confession of my sins. This is a cry for encouragement, help, and the gospel to remain the one driving passion in my life.

I remember it all started on my birthday. I remember someone specifically asked me how long I was going to stay single. It completely caught me off guard. So I answered the person back, "Oh I'm not sure. I guess until God provides for me a girlfriend". See I didn't think that anybody would ask me this question, especially on my birthday. In my head, when I think of what other people think about me, I don't think, "Jimmy is the greatest example of singleness" or "Jimmy can be such a great boyfriend". I think I'm a regular person on the street that God loves. I never even thought about getting a girlfriend or wanting to be in a relationship before that day.

(To that person that asked me that question, I don't blame you and I know it came from your curiosity. And if you need to seek forgiveness, I have already forgiven you.)

After I gave my answer, I thought about that question more and other questions about my insecurities in life. I never felt so discouraged before by anyone and worst yet it was me. I was the one that was discouraging myself and it was only with questions.

Because I was getting so discouraged, I felt like I had to make an effort to put myself back on track with my enjoyment of God. But the more I faked it, the worse it got. Even worse, people at Temple were discouraging me because of what they thought was a sinful attitude or behavior arising inside of me.

(To those of you who discouraged me and justified it by saying it was constructive criticisms, I would like to say that you knew so little of what was going on in my life currently. I didn't need criticisms filled with, "Jimmy take a look at yourself. You are sinful and it hurts others". I wanted brothers and sisters who could pick me up, not people who pushed me down even further. This isn't condemnation directed at you. I am merely stating that I am not the only victim here and I do get hurt by others, directly and indirectly. So please do not think I'm invincible or else I wouldn't be putting this up.)

This attack was not only plain to see, but most of it laid in my mind. I was my own worst enemy. An insecurity that I am struggling with is my singleness. I love being single. It is so freeing and it has taught me a greater understanding of God's relation to everything, especially about relationships. I like to think of my singleness as temporary, so I would like to enjoy the best of it. However Satan keeps telling me of the loneliness that I have been avoiding and the longing that I want of completeness. Through this experience I have become more impatient and upset at God's plan. I do try my best to believe in His perfect plan for me, but I am reminded more and more of what I don't have.

Another attack that Satan has been using is if I don't have a girlfriend right now, its because I am repulsive. In other people's eyes, I am pitied and have loads of attention. But because I am pitied, my relation with people will never get past this stage. So if I am forever going to be pitied, how will any one fall in love with me? So this lead to me thinking that people actually think I'm repulsive. Either I must have an ugly personality or looks because I don't see or hear from anyone that I'm a great guy or that I am blessed with a great heart. But because I don't see or hear these things, this lead to a lower image of me and a estimation of what other people thought about me.

Another common attack that Satan uses is my family. I won't get into details of how he has been using it, but Satan has been pulling up old memories that I had forgotten. Because of these memories, I have been making amends to myself, that I am going to become the best dad, husband and son because my household that I am going to build is going to be better than the one that I was raised up in. My children will never shoulder any pain or bitterness against me. My wife is going to be showered with praise and love. And I will love my father and mother and heed their advice instead of bicker. This lead to a competitiveness in people's sins with my own. This competitiveness didn't apply only to my family but with other people as well.

After seeing all of these attacks, Satan has been discouraging me by saying, "Look at yourself. Look at all of the issues and burdens that you carry upon yourself. How can God say He loves His children if you are the one that is getting hurt the most and other people are getting blessed. You are like the kid that isn't special. There are some that are good with sports and others that are more knowledgeable and wiser. There are even others who are more cheerful and have more friends than you do. You have nothing to offer to people. In the end, you are going to hurt people if you even try at all. Just do God a favor and stand back and let others do his work if you care about God"...I guess it is self explanatory, but yeah I am discouraged from leading next year.

However last week's sermon questioned if I was in spiritual warfare. This week, I confirmed it through today's sermon that I have been under attack and been wounded without my notice. I realized it after Satan was again attacking me today during the sermon and I felt paralyzed at how crippled I have become. I was also in awe of how this attack could cripple others and lead others to never once gain come back to church.

So after the sermon, I decided to talk to P.Dwight because I wanted to seek advice of how to combat it. Seriously, God has blessed P.Dwight and I pray that He will continue to bless him and his household. He basically told me that Satan does use our minds to attack us and that it comes in the most deceptive forms. Because it works, we forget the power of the Justification and Sanctification. That our sins were put on the cross and left us pure white as snow. Because of this act, we are sanctified and made His own. We imperfect, sinful, diseased beings are praised and lifted by all of the heavenly, perfect, sinless host in God's kingdom. So all I need to do is be reminded of the Gospel and how it has rescued me from being crippled under the weight of my sins and that instead it has killed, not crippled, God's own perfect child, so I may live the perfect life that he deserved. However to prove that he is almighty and powerful, he has conquered the grave to show us how worthy he is of our worship.

If you have something to say to either me or anyone please end it with encouragement. If you want someone to be aware of the sin that is crippling them, please make sure that they can be encouraged by gaining a greater view of God's eternal kingdom. God is the one who is lifting us up with encouragements, why not imitate this practice?

My name is Jimmy Song and I am currently in the never-ending cycle of Jesus Fulfilling My Life. I'm not there yet, but I will get there.

thank you God...

alright so i had a true JFML moment just now... as i was stressing out about the missions to guatemala situation, my sister called me and i explained how i needed a passport in order to go on to missions, but the passport costs over 100 dollars and so i was worried about how she was going to react since i have to get it as soon as possible. but instead of saying anything against it, she just asked about the details of it and said that we can go and get it tomorrow! i had been praying about it, but this was just a moment when i want to get up and praising God because i have no idea if my sister is even a Christian. i would've said that she was the last person i could go for for help on this particular situation because she has been really helping my family out financially so i thought she would be against it. if in this moment she had said that she wouldn't help me with the passport, i would have said that God had closed the door on missions for me and i wouldn't have gone. right now, i'm almost tearing up at the sac writing this because it feels like this is kind of like God saying that He hasn't forgotten me or my family. it's like He's saying for me to keep hope that He is working even when i feel like things are impossible. it gives me hope that maybe it isn't too late for my dad... like it isn't too late for my sisters... that maybe one day we'll all be able to praise God together in heaven. this small moment has given me hope. it's opened my eyes again to my actions and to myself. i will serve God wholeheartedly, i will have hope that He can change the hearts of my family, and i will have hope in His plan for me.

concerning missions, i know that there are going to be hard times before, during, and after, but i am trusting in God on this one. He has opened the door for us and He won't let us down.

concerning jimmy, my brother... i'm sorry for the way i've been acting. i know i haven't given you the respect that i should treat everyone with. your actions and words just get me so frustrated and annoyed at times. however, this does not give me the right to lash out at you. this does not give me the right to hold anything against you. i don't know everything about you, your past, or where God is leading you, but i know that it's not up to me to try and change you to something that i want you to be. i just hope that we can grow together and that maybe in time you'll be able to open up to me because i'm more than eager to learn more about you my friend. please forgive me

at this moment in time, all i have are words of praise for God, He has shown me His strength and goodness for reminding me that nothing is out of His reach even if it might seem that way. He is redeeming everything

this is Richard O and Jesus fulfills my life

God is good all the time :]

Heavenly Father,
i'm sorry my doubts, i'm sorry for my lusts, and i'm sorry for my faults. Lord, i praise you for your goodness, your righteousness, and your mercy God that you would keep my family still on your sights and for reminding me of that. God, through this missions to Guatemala, be glorified through our team. through me Lord. keep my heart in check, keep my lips in check, and keep my sights in check so that they will all seek to glorify you in every single way. Lord, please continue to work in my life for i am nothing without you God. i need your help every step of the way. thank you God for caring for me, so God please work through me for i am here ready to be your hand and feet. i will run for you God, i will run for my brothers and sisters, i will run for my family. be glorified through me God
amen

"blessed are the..."

¹Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, ²and he began to teach them saying:
³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

hello... it's been a while since i posted and so i just felt like quoting the sermon on the mount because i feel like every single one of those things relates to me in some way and there are things that i lack and want to work towards. one in particular is verse 8 "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." i chose this one since i not only want to be able to see God more clearly in His beauty and majesty, but also to have a clear view of what God wants me to do according to His will. i guess this also applies to verse 9 "blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" because of the coming housing situation next semester. i say this as a result of the issues that have a high possibility of occurring within my floor because i know a lot of them don't get along on some level. at the moment, i feel kind of screwed since i will mostly have to be the "peacemaker" and... it's good in a way that God has given me some capacity to work out conflicts, but at the same time there is a lot of responsibility on my part also to decrease tension instead of taking sides and elevating the intensity. i'm not saying that everything is up to me to resolve everything, but that i will be there as a part of the floor to try to understand both sides and come to an agreement. at this point in time, i don't feel that i have the capability to help in practically any aspect. although people may tell me certain things about myself, i don't feel or see that within myself... i really don't know what the next year is going to be like with leadership is going to be shifting and i'm gonna connecting and caring for underclassmen. from being the youngest within my family, i have just become a soft baby without being able to take care of myself. i've grown up lazy and uncaring in many aspects except for the things that i choose or is easy. it could possibly be because i have no clear goal of what i want to work towards and so i just feel overwhelmed, but i think it's just because i'm lazy. i mean i've always been lazy but sort of justified it by trying hard and doing well in other aspects other than school because academics is just so uninteresting to me. how can someone just sit down and study for hours -.- does not make sense to me...

anyways, i'll be heading to Guatemala for two weeks in the summer and i'm sort of scared of what sides will show from me as i am exposed to intense weather, bad living conditions, giant bugs everywhere, and close living quarters with people that i've never lived with previously. i apologize beforehand to anyone that i might hurt during that time... i don't know what's going to happen. i see many opportunities for us to grow because half the Guatemala team is from temple rcf which would be an incredible boost for us. we would be able to work together and learn how to be more efficient as a team. so many benefits to gain yet... we could end up hating each other, get too close together that it becomes an unhealthy relationship, cause bitterness within the team, hate missions, and see sides of each other that could crack images. if we don't keep ourselves and each other accountable, we could potentially fall into a pit that i know no one wants to go. i've been praying about it, but then... there are doubts and worries that always come up.

also as the new semester is starting soon... i don't know what it's going to be like. i don't know how i'm gonna handle things. i don't know how many people i might hurt. i guess these are just stupid worries, but they come to mind whenever i think about then. i just hope that i'll be able to guard my own heart and strengthen my relationship with God before anything else while maintaining everything else that's going on.

i guess these are just petty things to worry about when God has got your back so i'll try to entrust it into His mighty hands... try...

this is Richard O and Jesus fulfills my life!

prayer requests... for me to guard my heart, support for missions to Guatemala, a heart to serve, a heart to care and reach out, and for God's help because i can see so many things going wrong...

In Loving Memory of Phillip Pae

Hey guys! im really sorry i haven't been updating hahaha. i didn't have internet in my room at school since winter break and my laptop is kinda being frustrating so i don't really have my own computer at home. im on my sisters right now! so praise God that i can still get on somehow haha. actually did you know u can surf the web on ps3?! i mean...i always saw the internet app but i didn't know it was like the WHOLE internet hahaha. so i can kinda do that too! but anywayssss...
So this past sunday night, my good friend phil pae passed away unfortunately. He's from my hyung's (older brother/friend) church in south jersey. chpc to be specific. i knew him for a few years because i played drums for their summer retreat. i knew phil was a really great kid from the beginning. and i really mean that. so basically what happend was andrew, phil's older brother, pastor paul, and phil were going home that night. pastor paul usually lets andrew drive sometimes ever since he got his license in january. while andrew was driving, he dozed off for a second and the car started to spin a little and andrew paniced and accelerated more. this caused the car to spin out pretty bad and hit a tree off the side of the road. andrew and paul were almost perfectly ok since they had their seatbelts on in the front of the car but phil's body was thrown out of the back window. He died on impact. I attended the viewing service yesterday night to say my goodbyes to my brother. He was only 17, a junior in high school.
He really really loved the Lord with all his heart. and i can say that with confidence. He loved everyone actually haha. He was just an all around great guy and the reason im telling you all of this is for a few reasons. one, he was just a high schooler. younger than some of us. and it goes to show that this kind of stuff can happen to anybody. haha im not trying to scare you guys but just really think about it. i really thought about how much i've given my life to the Lord so far in my life. of course there's always more time we can give to our God. So i challenge myself and all of you to do that. To give every last bit of energy to the Lord and His kingdom. Not because we might die tomorrow and we want a sure way to get into heaven, but because He deserves it. God deserves for us to live for Him. I never really knew what it was like for someone close to me to die but Jesus our Lord and Savior died. and he didn't just die. he died for US. for each and every one of us. that we can have a relationship with God because of that death. that even though we don't deserve it at all, Jesus' blood covers us so we can approach and get to know our God. and because of the most important death EVER, God deserves everything we have to be given to him. Phil did that and even though he's younger than i am, he really is an inspiration to me. Secondly, i realized just how precious the gift of salvation is. i could probably go on and on about salvation but the one aspect of it that i've come to be thankful for is the power it has to overcome some of the biggest things. Phil was saved (praise the Lord!). because he had salvation, we don't need to be sad for long! He is in paradise right now. resting with our Lord. and salvation is such a powerful gift that when we or our friends have it. we don't even have to fear DEATH! phil may be gone from this world but he surely is alive. that's really amazing to me. that even when someone dies, we don't have to worry. idk how else to say it right now but i hope and pray that you guys can see the gift of salvation as i do right now. hopefully it won't take what it took for me to get to this understanding. Life's too short to take our time and go at an easy pace. we need to get a little uncomfortable for God and RUN after Him.

For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5
I'm gonna see phil in heaven so therefore i rejoice! you'll all see him too and i know you'll love him as well :)

rest in paradise brother. i'll miss you. we'll catch up later ;)

sorry if it's a little morbid. hahahah. God really works in mysterious ways. but He does work.
This is justin kim, and Jesus fulfills my life.

Iron Chef Competition Winners!

Dear JFML Fam,

I am proud to announce that WE HAVE WON THE IRON CHEF COMPETITION !! A shout out to VERISON and PHAMILLY for their awesome yummalicious dishes as well! It was a fun night and thanks to all those who helps out cooking/shopping & providing a place for us :) Here are some pictures from last night :

cooking at Andys! Dave is GLOWING

preparing the adobo sauce & skewers

mmmmmm

Chicken Adobo Skewers

The Rice Ball Masters

Garlic Rice balls with Spam

Final Presentation! Ta daaa!

Team Filipino! Best stuff in the world!! mmm!

BONUS video clip!

Please join us THIS THURSDAY as we enjoy our FREE CHECKERS DINNER prize!!

See yall later! and have a GREAT week :)

My name is Sharon Suk , and JESUS fulfills my LIFE.

LAZY LAZY LAZY

HELLO EVERYONE!

This week was a rough week. I had so much to do. It is kind of crazy how like I'm so freaking lazy! I really hate the fact that I have been so lazy not wanting to do anything. I took my Organic Chemistry Exam Wednesday and I BOMBED it. Not bombed in a good way but like bombed as in i think i definitely failed it. Like I honestly don't know whats wrong with me. I have been in such a funk lately. Usually Spring Semester is my best semester between fall and spring, yet it seems the way things are going its a bad semester. It's so weird. Any who, it is very stressful to think that i did so horrible in this exam, but then it is my fault for not really studying. Like i have been so lazy in studying, i know that I'm not dumb, yet i still have the habit that i had in high school. In high school, my high school was too easy for me even though I took the higher classes, so i would purposely fail exams to make myself study, and i feel like i still do that. And it kind of pisses me off at the fact that i still have that habit. and it honestly is NOT good in college. But that exam was a wake up call to me, where now these next month or so until classes end, i am going to STUDY my butt off, and yes I WILL BE STUDYING COMPLETELY! I know everyone does not seem me as much now since i am MIA, i apologize, but i need to take myself away from distractions and such. I hope that you guys can pray for me, that I will not be so lazy anymore and that I will focus on studies and such... that would be amazingly awesome.

But in the good light of the week, I saw how much I am lacking God right now. I mean everything happens for a reason right? maybe this is something that's suppose to wake me up and make me realize that since I have been drifting away from him that's why I am in such a weird funk that has never happened before. But honestly God is so amazing, its crazy how I keep falling off the path, but then I really love the fact that GOD is always so forgiving, that he is willing to help anyone get back on the path. Honestly PRAISE THE LORD. he really is good! this whole fact of laziness made me realize how my relationship with God is similar to the way i am at school this semester. That funk i am in, honestly is due to the fact of my laziness and lack of effort and lack of doing anything. AND i still have a problem with not believing in myself. I need to trust myself believe in myself and be able to trust God, to make my paths open for me. this whole idea is scary, how trusting him can be so hard, because i never know how to trust. actually I do not know how to trust. WE NEEED TO TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL OUR HEART MIND AND SOUL!!!!

I ALSO JUST WANTED TO SAYYY GOOD JOB JIMMY & MELISSA <3 you guys did well today. I'm so proud of you guys hehe.

HAVE A FABULOUS WEEEKENDD<33

This is JENNYI & JESUS FULFILLS MY LIFE!

Pictures!

HI FAM!

Took some pictures this weekend that i wanted to share with yall!

Jimmy's Birthday:

trick MAFIA game of "keep jimmy alive!"

SURPRISE!!

TWO CAKES FOR B-DAY BOY!

FIVE GUYS employee card :)

brotherly loovvee :)

Sunday Lunch @ New Dehli:

on the yellow cheese bus to church!

The Brothers!

The Sisters!

YUM YUM YUM :D

thaaaats all folks! :)

Power of Prayer

Dear Brothers & Sisters,

How are you all? I'm sad that the blog has not been updated in weeks! Have you all forgot about it? :( I'm also sad that I have not seen many of you recently.. it's been such a long time.. Plus we only have 5 or 6 more small groups till the end of this year.. :(

Maybe it's the rain, but im feeling kind of lifeless and exhausted today. What an ugly start to a week after the beautiful weekend that we just had! But if it weren't for these rainy days, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the sunny ones as much as we did right? :)

I just wanted to quickly update the blog and say THANK YOU to all of you that prayed for my family. Our family is doing MUCH better already and there is no doubt in my mind that it is through the power of PRAYER.

His answer to our prayers may not always be YES but sometimes it is no, or wait. When its not that immediate YES, we feel discouraged and afraid that maybe He is not listening. But Brothers & Sisters, He IS! and He will give you accordingly in His time what is BEST for you.

Be encouraged my family! Our God is ALIVE and WORKING for our GOOD. So NEVER lose sight of him, ALWAYS pray, and praise Him with every breath you take!!

I miss you all and hope to see you soon!

My name is Sharon Suk and through the thick & thin, Jesus Fulfills MY LIFE !

Prayers Please :)

Dear Family,

I'm hurting a lot. I cannot go into detail of exactly what I'm going through but it is about my parents back home in jersey. It's been this way ever since I could remember, but for them it's been 25 years now. I have been praying since I knew how to pray but God has not yet lifted it from our shoulders. God says that through suffering he builds character and brings us closer to Him and I do believe it to be true. However over 20 years of it makes it hard to remain faithful. Especially when you are sick spiritually and physically. I'm sorry for being vague but I still ask for your prayers for my family. That we will remain faithful to God and keep that heart to be able to BELIEVE that this suffering is for our good.

I'm so thankful I have you all in my life. God truly reminds me through you, that I have family of sisters and brothers I can rely on. Whether you know it or not, he has used each one of you to comfort me and bring smiles in the toughest times. Thank you for your love and prayers. If I don't get to see you before spring break, I hope you all have a great break! & try to update during the break since you'll have more time than you would during school!

I'll miss you all very much :)

Although I cannot comprehend this pain, because I believe that God loves me, I can confidently say that My name is Sharon Suk and Jesus Fulfills my life.

ps: read richards story below me! it's awesome :)

THE GOD-SIZED HOLE

okay. here's a little story by Donny Cho that he shared with us in a little book...
this story is called "THE GOD-SIZED HOLE"

There once lived a people-a people not-so-different from you and me, in a town not-so-different from yours, in a country, not-so-different from the one you and I live in. There were all sorts of people in this town: there were big people and small people, beautiful people and ugly people, people with big hands and people with small hands, people with long hair and people with short hair, smart people and not-so-smart people, rich people and poor people, loud people and quiet people, and, well, you get the point.

In this town, lived a boy-a boy not-so-different from other people like yourself, except for one thing-this boy had a SUPER-HUGE, GIANT, ENORMOUS, GREAT, BIG HOLE right in the middle of his heart, and it hurt to even look at it (you can only imagine). Sometimes, the boy tried to cover it up. When he dressed, he wore thick clothing to protect this super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole in his heart, but that never worked. The clothing would just get swallowed up by this super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole (weird). He would try to buy the nicest clothes he could find-"Maybe that would work," he would tell himself. Although the finest of clothing would work for a while, and although other people would praise him for his style and fashion, eventually, just as he suspected, the clothes would only make the super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole seem wider.
After all, we're not just talking about a speck, here. We're talking about a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of his heart; no matter what he tried to do to cover it up, it was always there-and it showed. And it hurt-even to look at it.

He decided to study harder-to understand how to get rid of the hole. The boy studied, and studied, and studied, and studied. Eventually, he was accepted into the greatest of colleges, and he become one of the smartest people the world ever knew. But, the more he studied this super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of his heart, he realized he would never be able to get to the bottom of it; the hole was too deep and too vast for him to fully understand. Although it felt good to be a smart person, it never helped him to get rid of the super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole in his heart.
After all, we're not just talking about some ordinary hole, here. We're talking about a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole-right in the middle of his heart; no matter what he tried to do to figure it out, all the knowledge in the world wasn't enough to solve his problem.

And so, he did what he should've done in the first place. He sought a doctor. "The job of the doctor is to help solve problems like this," the boy though to himself. The thought gave him a lot of hope. And so, the boy went to one of the best doctors in the whole world, in one of the best hospitals in the whole world. The doctor examined this super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of his heart. He examined him for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours.But, the doctor was puzzled. "I don't unzuh-stanz it," he said (the doctor was from another country- a really smart country). "You have a big problem, here, but i cannot zolvez it. Ze hole is zo big!" The boy was disappointed. He muttered, "I could've told you that myself. A few days later, the boy received a super-huge, giant, enormous, great, big medical bill.

What was he to do? He spent his days, and his nights, looking for an answer. Some people told him to fill the hole up with gold coins. So, the boy worked feverishly to make lots and lots of money-after all, he was one of the smartest people in the whole (no pun intended) world. But, it didn't work. The coins weighed him down, and also gave him heartburn. And although he could buy nice cars, and big houses, and go anywhere he wanted, those things only distracted him for a little while; every night when he would go to sleep, he would hear his heart beating, and the empty beat would remind him of the super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole in his heart.

Some people told him to get married. "Having a wife will help you forget about your little problem," the old men of his town would say. So, the boy made some friends-after all, he had tons of money, and was the smartest, nicest-dressed, healthiest person he knew, and those things always distracted other people from seeing his super-huge, giant, enormous problem. He eventually fell in love-it felt really good to be in love. "Maybe this is it," he exclaimed. "She is the answer!" But, as time went by, the boy grew discouraged. The closer he grew to his girlfriend, he began to see that she also had a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of her heart! He would look at her heart, and poke fun at it, and she would look at his, and ridicule him. Both of them realized that being together didn't make the super-huge-giant, enormous, great big holes in their hearts go away; the holes only grew larger. Oh, the despair! They both broke down and cried.


The boy was helpless. He started to reason with himself. "There is nothing we can do. No clothing can cover us. No intelligence can save us. No doctor can heal us. No amount of money can purchase a solution. No relationship can help us forget. There is nowhere we can hide, and nowhere we can go to fill this super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of our hearts."

Just then, a man approached the boy, who was wallowing in despair. "What's the matter?" "It's no use trying to cover it up-look, I have a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of my heart, and I am helpless to find something that will fill it completely, and I tried everything. It's disgusting, and scary, and empty, and painful. I don't know what to do, so I figured I would just cry for a while (sniff-sniff)."
The man looked at the super-huge-giant, enormous, great big problem, but didn't frown, nor wince, nor turn away in disgust. "There is a name for your condition," he diagnosed. "You mean, you've seen this before?" asked the boy, with curiosity rushing the blood back into his pale white face. "Seen it before? Look around-" The boy turned to survey the town, and then he saw it-everyone-big people and small people, beautiful people and ugly people, people with big hands and people with small hands, people with long hair and people with short hair, smart people and not-so-smart people, rich people and poor people, loud people and quiet people, and well, you get the point-everyone had the same super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole right in the middle of their hearts, and they were doing everything they could to fill it.

They tried to fill their hearts with all sorts of things:
Some people ate, some people dieted.
Some people sang loudly,
while others sat quieted.
Some folks were king, while others were rude.
Some acted rough, while others were smooth.
Some went to church-and did what was right.
Some folks cared less-to their delight.
No matter their manner-they all had one goal,
To hopelessly fill their super-huge, giant,
enormous hole, great, big hole-
right in the middle of their hearts.

The man had a name for the boy's situation. "It's a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole, and it was created by sin. And it can never be filled, because it's a GOD-sized you've been searching all your life to fill it with all sorts, of things, but all those things put together will never be able to fill this hole in your heart. In fact, as big as that hole appears, it's even bigger than that0it's so big that you can't see the end of it. It's a God-sized hole, and only God Himself can fill it."
"Then, I am doomed, because God would never care for a pea-sized boy like me," The boy confessed. But, the man assured, "You are not doomed. In fact, God made a way for people like you-people like me-to be filled." As he began to share his story, the boy noticed that this man didn't have a hole in his heart-his heart was completely, totally, utterly whole (what a difference a "w" makes)! The man told the true story of Jesus, God's own Son, who was born with a perfect heart. Jesus was the only Person ever born who didn't have a hole in his heart (because He was sinless and perfect in every way). But, He came with a purpose. On the cross, Jesus became sin (2 Corinthians 5:21) for us. In other words, on the cross, Jesus took the God-sized hole in our hearts (punctured by our sin)...so that He could give us His own heart. And God sent Jesus out of His deep love, even for pea-sized people like us.

The boy, upon hearing these words, softened to the voice of the man. The words gave him hope, and took away his fear. The finest clothes could never give him the covering that a complete heart could. No amount of knowledge was able to accomplish what one word of wisdom from the man was able to do. The best of doctors could not give him the heart transplant he needed. The world's riches couldn't purchase what was offered to him for free. The deepest relationship could never fill the void that is left when one didn't know Jesus. Beyond the size of the hole in his heart, the boy was overwhelming with joy that a God that is even bigger than the God-sized crater left in the boy's heart could still love him so. He just wanted to know Jesus-the perfect heart that was traded in for his sinful, empty one. The boy exclaimed, "I want to know more about Jesus, sir." "I will introduce Him to you; you can meet Him yourself," replied the man. The boy sprung up, and trotted off with the man-and as he walked away, what was once a "God-sized hole" already began to close.

So, the next time you feel empty, or when you mess up real bad, or when you make your parents sad, or when you try to hide away from people because you did something you were ashamed of-or when you feel jealous because people have nicer clothes, or more money than you-or when you feel lonely because you have trouble making friends-don't look to a doctor-after all, it's because your sin has left a "God-sized hole" inside your heart, too. But, God is calling you. Look to someone you love who might be able to tell you more about Jesus-as you come to know Him, you'll come to trust in the super-huge-giant, enormous, great, big thing that Jesus did for you, so that you can be found in Him, as He lives in you.
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This story is something that I look back upon from time to time, I am looking at it right now and wrote it to you also because even though I forget this sometimes, I know that there is always a super-huge-giant, enormous, great big hole that is being mended. And whenever I begin to feel that emptiness or loneliness, it feels as if the hole that is being tended to is being ripped wide open again. I keep straying from God and feeling lonely because I KEEP putting things right in my heart instead of God and as a result, my heart just sucks it up and the emptiness returns. I can never be able to love God if something else is tugging at my heart causing me to take a wrong turn or making me lose sight of Him...

But. However. Yet. On the other hand.

God's love never fails. His love for us has overcome our selfishness. our shallowness. our loneliness.

God.
Redeems.
Everything.

There is no questioning or arguing this and no way to ever change this. He puts our sin as far as the east is to the west and remembers it no more. our everlasting, gracious, merciful, loving, unfailing, and perfect God has saved us from the most deadliest thing of all. ourselves. Although we may fail in EVERY SINGLE aspect of our lives, He redeems us. Although we put other things at the center of our hearts. He redeems it. Although we may not love God, He redeems us because He knows that we are broken and helpless and, though we want to give Him all of ourselves, we are unable to. We are unable to truly love God. BUT. God redeems us through His perfect Son and our greatest treasure of grace and mercy.

This is Richard O and, I am so glad that I can say this even with a broken heart, Jesus fulfills my life

God is good ALL THE TIME!

Fatty fat fat :)

so.. i just went to the gym for the Zumba (latin dance) class. this is my 3rd time going but i still haven't got to take the class cause classes were cancelled the first two times . i actually learned my lesson and called them in advance to make sure they had class today. they did! so i was SUPER excited.

so i walk to the door and the dude stops me and says that the class is FULL. that i need to come an hour in advance to reserve a spot. so for the 3rd time in a row, i could NOT take my Zumba classses!!!

I was too angry to go on the treadmill or elliptical, so i walked to 711 and got me a Haagendaz Vanilla Almond bar.

I must say, i'm still pretty mad about it, but this ice cream sure is yummy :)

why am i sharing this with you? mmmm cause you care :) hehe AND it reminded me that Jesus never cancels on us, is always available, and I don't need to reserve a spot to talk to Him. He's THE BEST :)

My name is Sharon Suk, and Jesus Fulfills My LIfe!!!

JFML

i. am. shallow. i. am. selfish.

this week or so i've been kind of struggling with my identity and my central focus in life. there were so many times when i was thinking about why am i like this, why do i feel a certain way about a certain issue, and why do i do the things i do. no matter where my train of thought was, it always led me to two points that i hate in other people and realized that they're within me.

i. am. shallow. i. am. selfish.

whenever i think about why i do things now, i always come to the same conclusion which is that in everything i do, i do it for myself and i do it for my own image so that ultimately it will make myself look better in other people's eyes. maybe so that they will like me, love me, or just give me those small words of praise. i don't know. when i come to think about my life, all i can think about is the emptiness that has continuously filled every single aspect. even when i went to retreats where i felt like i had met God, i now question whether or not i even really love Him. this concept of love is so daunting to me because if i don't love God, what is this life that i am living? if i truly loved God, wouldn't i put Him above all else without question? i have all this knowledge of what i'm supposed to, knowledge of how and why i am supposed to approach it, yet when it really comes down to it, i know DEEP within my heart that i don't really love Him. how can i even approach any other problems within my life if i don't resolve within myself if i actually love God down to the core of my being? i'm starting to realize that, within my last post, that when people approach me with questions and stuff like that, i enjoy being approached in that way because i know that they view me as a somewhat trustworthy person, probably a "Godly" person, and a pretty good person.
ALL OF THIS MEANS NOTHING AND IS ENTIRELY, UTTERLY MEANINGLESS IF GOD IS NOT THE CENTER OF ALL OF THIS.
how can i even think about anything else?
how can i even think about leading other people?
how can i even think about life without God?

there is a single fear in the depths of my heart which is the answer to the question that i now keep asking myself, do i love, adore, seek God? if i'm really honest with myself, i would have to say no. what i do keep finding myself answering in response is that i really love attention from the ones that i want attention from. this is how i am both selfish and shallow. and to be quite honest, when it came to crushes back in the day and maybe even to this day, i find myself "liking" the girls that were pretty which obviously shows my shallowness. when i remember about this fault in myself, the continuous question is "what the HELL am i living for?"

why can't i just be satisfied in the one who has saved me from myself?

the only reason people seem to find me good is because of my actions on the outer surface, but i can see the depths of my own self and the true reasons behind it all. at times in the back of my mind, i just want to be like a child and scream, curse, and throw a temper tantrum like i used to. i think if i'm really honest with myself, i am still that same child i used to be but just more outwardly "good." i know that i am childish in the way i act, but that's because i haven't grown up at all. i look at myself and i know that within myself the only thing that has really changed is the outside. am i just another churched korean kid? am i only doing the things i do because i simply just grew up this way? why can't i just take that next to responsibility since there is such a need for leaders? when i look at myself, i can only answer that i am just another churched child, i am only like this because it's engraved into my conscience, and i can't take the next step because i am still TRULY just a child. at times i think and feel like i've grown up, but i know the real is answer is that i am immature, spoiled, indifferent, shallow, selfish, and INSIGNIFICANT. I AM NOTHING. when i think about those movies where the people wish they were never born, i can't help wondering about that myself. do i really make a true difference? some may argue for me, but i have to argue against myself in that the world would still turn and things would be fine if i was never born. i believe this is so because i have rooted myself in my self-righteousness, in acts rather than true surrender, and simply myself.

i am also a deep judgmental person down to the core. i may say that i won't judge or that i don't care but i judge unconsciously every single person surrounding me. i can't even help it, it has become part of me. i am a terrible person. and all of this is because
I DO NOT LOVE GOD.
the bible says that if we don't love our brothers, then we do not love God. also, when i was getting into a discussion about predestination, Daegyu says that certain people are chosen by grace to be sons and daughters of Christ. what if i'm just fooling myself into thinking that i'm a Christian? there is an overwhelming amount of evidence SHOUTING at me in the direction to that of a non-believer. if looking at just my heart, how am i any different from a non-Christian? is Christ shown through me? what does it mean to love God? why do i praise? why do i go to church? why do i try to even begin to understand other people or begin to try to give advice to other people about the faith when i don't even have a the slightest of trust in the Lord? without God, i am nothing. i am worthless. i am just another dead tree waiting to be thrown into the pits of hell.

furthermore, how do we even know if we are being called by God or that we are His children if one can fool themselves? since i do not believe to the core that i love God, does this mean i'm not a Christian? according to the bible, we have to accept Christ as our saviour, but this brings into question genuine true acceptance and all that. how can i think of serving within RCF when i can't even serve God with a true and humble heart that fears him and reveres him and adores his works? leading praise? how can i think about any of that stuff... even while writing this, this could just be another act to get attention like a simple child. do i choose not to go to parties, getting drunk, or doing drugs because God is at the center of my life or because i just don't "fit" with those kind of people? do i think that i'm better than those who do those things? does going to church, going to small group, leading praise make me a better person than them or does it make me even worst because i'm just fooling my own self into thinking that i actually am better than them as a hypocrite? and even just a few hours ago, i posted onto my fb status "even if i turn away you're calling my name. even if i run away in you i shall remain. JFML - Jesus fulfills my life" which is the song that i wrote for our community group. am i just singing lies? am i living a lie? i don't even know if i am. i just..don't know. when i talk about leading praise or seminary is it because God is calling me or is it because i simply don't know what else to do? i'm starting to have so many doubts about myself and just the core of myself. in reflection of all of this blabbering, i can even say the words that i know would come in the following. i would probably say something to myself like "God's love is unfailing and everlasting and that even if we are imperfect in love for him, we can be sure that we are saved through God's unending love for his children. God's love never fails. Christianity isn't about our works but rather about Jesus' sacrifice for us. when we realize that and come to follow Christ, we can't help but sing him praises, spread the gospel, and bear good fruit." but what if i'm simply not a child of God? what if God didn't choose me to join him in everlasting peace and wholeness? since i know in my heart that i do not love God this doesn't necessarily mean that i'm not one of his chosen, but there's a good chance that i'm not. nothing incredibly remarkable within my life has been a moment where i would say "wow, God is real and he loves me." i have not had a particularly special or eventful life and as a result there are so many times when i look back and just feel empty. like for those who have crazy testimonies of how God has called them to his kingdom, i sort of sit there trying to think of how i changed by receiving God as my Lord and Saviour but can't really think of anything. it was like i was a "born and raised" good little Christian boy destined for mediocrity. when i can't think of anything that God is calling me towards, does that mean/could that mean that he's not calling me at all?

and i know that i'm supposed to close by describing how Jesus fulfills my life through the "event/story," but i can't seem to apply that in this situation. i could probably say some shallow things thinking about what i think God could be doing in this situation, but my vision is being so clouded with questions about myself.

-richard o

SNOW DAY=CATCH UP DAY

HELLO 8D
WOOO HOOOOOO!!! NO CLASSES WEDNESDAY & one CLASS THURSDAY unless CLASSES ARE cancelled again!!!!

OH how I longed for a snow day to happen at temple. It is finally here!! We have a snow day Wednesday!! WOO HOO, but yet at the same time sucky... I will have to use it for a study day. This whole week I have been stressed out with classes and how I am behind in my Chemistry class due to the fact that I was lazy and I bought my book late. Oh the frustration. And on top of that I lost my monthly train pass on FRIDAY. I was so pissed. I left it on my clipboard and I had dropped my clipboard. I pick my clipboard up and it is gone. So I frantically look for it everywhere and I have yet to find it. I arrive at Temple, I had to get off since I had class. It was horrible I spent $142.50 on it yet I didn't even use it for a week and I lost it. I feel like it got stolen, when I did realize it was not on my clipboard I looked under and over and I am sure the person next to me thought I was crazy. But hahah I called Septa to see if they could find it, and it happens THAT THEY DIDN'T oh boy. I tell my mom and she goes nice one Jenny, way to be clutsy you, but shes like don't sweat it. Haha my mother is awesome. She always gives such wonderful advice on evil girls. Yes boys I said girls are evil. If you don't really know, you need to know that girls & I have a history. Loads of girls hate me yet don't know me, but its all whatever now. Before I use to care now I could care less. My mother is so wise, she tells me not to worry about the mere girls hating me. She reminded me that my life ever since I was basically born I had girls dislike me. People really are so judgemental all the time its getting sad. That saying is so true to not judge a book by its cover, but we do it all the time. I always wondered why everyone in the world was so quick to judge everyone else, yet are so lazy in getting to know that person... It is interesting. But anywhooo....

Last Thursday we talked about our commitments. And as I tried to figure out exactly what my idol was and is.. PERFECTION. I have this problem where if I do not get like an A I basically beat myself up about it. Or if I know I cannot get an A on it, I don't even make an attempt. There are so many things that it seems like I am committed to other than God. Last weeks small group or community group was an eye opener. I realized how sinful I really was, how this idea of PERFECTION does not fit me at all. The only person that is perfect is Jesus. it is so true how it seems as if I live my life for myself rather than God. Instead this whole commitment to perfection really keeps me from being myself to the fullest potential.

I got my palms read last Thursday just for giggles. It was interesting how this lady that seemed so cold and bitter was able to point things out to me. I mean it probably was not the right thing to do to get my palms read, but I just did it for pure enjoyment. As I shared on Thursday, the palm reader seemed overall correct. She pointed out that I am not doing well in school, which is true. This semester is kicking my butt forsure. I am so lazy and behind right now. Then this palm reader said that I have a problem with believing myself. She stated that I am an intelligent girl that has potential yet I lack faith in myself. She was right in that aspect too. I do have a problem with always second guessing myself, even though when I do second guess and stick with that second guess I am always wrong. If I just left things the way they were without second guessing myself I would be right. Throughout my life, I realized that we do need to believe in ourselves and believe in God. This whole believing thing in God, is a big factor. I think the fact that I am lacking trust in him, is also why I am lacking trust in myself. Trust is an important part I feel like in any relationship. This idea of trust is also not my friend either since I have been hurt so many times. But not to go on another tangent, I feel like God is working in me even though I lack so many qualities. He opens up my eyes to see so many things I have not seen before. My home pastor always says that once you become a Christian, your eyes will become open to see things that you have not seen before. This whole eye opening thing has been happening so often. It is really scary how sinful we all are.

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A FABULOUS WEEK & WEEKEND... If I do not see you!

This is JENNYI & JESUS FULFILLS MY LIFE!

JFML

Lately I've been troubled by the fact that people have been approaching me over this year just to talk about spiritual issues or just what's been happening in their lives, but, to me, it seems as if I never have the right answer or the right words to guide them to the right direction. I want to say the words that will help them out or whatever God wants to speak through me, but I feel as though I draw a blank or the words get fumbled in my mouth and doesn't come out the way that I had intended. It seems to me that God is giving me all these opportunities to glorify God by serving others, but I don't have the ability to minister the Word the way I see it in my head. There are even more times when I don't have answers to the questions that I know I should be able to answer. I know that God has already given me some wisdom to the point where I can shallowly give advice to people (though I think [through God's grace] He is helping me grow even more), but if only I have the ability at this moment I would be able to help people along even further... I've been asking for wisdom because I have such little discernment of what to do in certain situations and what to say to people at certain times, but am unable to. Sometimes I fear to say the wrong things or just don't have an answer and fail to minister to people that are asking for guidance from me since they trust me enough to tell me and ask me about their situation.

However, I feel that God is preparing me for future times in which He will use me not to what I seem fit or what I deem to be right, but according to His will. Though I know that I do not have the wisdom to minister to people, I know that God will speak through me when He decides to and that I should depend on His unfailing love and wisdom rather than my own flawed senses.

This is Richard O and Jesus Fulfills My Life

...God is good all the time :]

:::prayer requests:::

2/8/2010 - wisdom to minister to friends and to speak God's truth.

1/29/2010 - vision to see God's will in my life, wisdom to understand it, courage and strength to carry it out, humbleness so that i will remember that all that i do should ultimately be for God's glory and endurance for the times to come. also, please pray for my family because they have not yet seen God's love or sacrifice as real and fail to understand why i follow Christ. one more prayer request is because i'm considering serving and joining Renewal's praise team in the near future, please pray that God will discern what God wants me to do within the church even though i have an inclination towards the praise ministry whether as potential drummer or praise leader

To Hate or To Love

Hey guys! Let me first start off by saying that I didn't think that this website would work out! Praise God that I was wrong, am I right? So I was very encouraged by you guys, that I decided to open up to you guys because I feel secured that I can be loved by others and that they won't judge me.

So lately I was challenged by a lots of random things ranging from Christian songs, sermons, and advice from my peers. To sum all of them up, I have been struggling about what love is since fall semester ended. To many of you, that doesn't seem to be a big deal or even an issue to worry about, but lately its been eating me up inside. The reason why this is such an issue for me is because I don't think I know who God really is or even what he really is like... cause people have told me that God is Love. So if I don't know what love is, then I really don't know who God is. I know it sounds stupid, but even though I say to myself that I know God, I don't demonstrate the relationship that I share with him with others. In truth, I have learned that I am really a hateful person: I am quick to judge, first to cast the stone, and too angry. I try to shove my opinions down people's throats and try to make them see from my perspective than see from theirs. Some of the time I'm right, but I'm mostly blinded by my logic.

So where am I going with this? This has been questioning my faith so much that my conclusion is that I don't think I know God anymore. The past sunday, Pastor Dwight said that when God adopts you into his family that you have to love every member of that family even if you hate one person in it. He used the analogy that if someone said that they loved Pastor Dwight but hated his wife, then he would get frustrated cause that is his wife, the one he loves. I have been doing that almost all of my Christian life. I would say 90% of the time, I loved God, but at the same time hated some or most of God's children. If I truly love God, then why do I hate his children so much? That really doesn't reflect Godly love!

I know that I am loved by God and accepted into his holy family, but I don't know how to show this kind of love. What does exactly defines a loving relationship? In my biological family there is lots of bitterness. For example, after my grandpa was buried, my aunt argued the next day with my other uncle and his wife. The aunt started up by saying that my uncle shouldn't have been the inheritor of my grandpa's money and that they were wasting it (which they weren't). My immediate family would fight all the time to the point that the cops came. I would tell more about how messed up my family is, but I'll save it for another blog. To summarize my family life, I can say that they was no such thing as love in my family and that the concept of Love was no different than a fairy tale because it sounded so fake. To be honest, I think that there is still a part of me that thinks that Love doesn't exist. I guess that's where faith comes into play.

However that is where I am struggling in the most: faith. I love God, but I hate his children. Why are so many people so sinful and don't think of it as a problem. Why is drunkenness not cautioned? Why do people lie to the ones they love and hurt them further? So since I don't believe in Love, does that mean I don't believe in God?

However, I am reading my bible as much as I can to salvage this relationship that I have with God and with his other children. I still want to serve others because I know that even though people might not thank me or notice the things that I do that my Heavenly father is looking down and smiling on me, telling all of the heavenly host that I am his son! When I first heard these words, I never felt so loved before. Just hearing that though I will disappoint my biological father, that my Heavenly Father is sitting in the highest of all the heavens bragging (in my version God is bragging), "Did you see that? That is my boy, Jimmy! I couldn't be anymore proud of him". Even if at times people tell me that I am retarded or hate me, I KNOW that within every single intricate part of my mind and soul that God tells me that I don't disappoint him and that he has have faith in me because of his unbreakable love for me. That is the kind of God that I believe in!
(Wow I can't believe that I'm realizing this while I'm writing it!)

So even though I am struggling to know who or what God really is and how to love his children, that I know something about God that not many people figure out later in life. Even though its hard to believe in God at times, God will still believe in me and will be shouting and cheering me on with whatever struggles that I will go through and its all because he loves me!

This is Jimmy Song AKA "Beloved Child of God" and Jesus Fulfills My Life.