To Hate or To Love

Hey guys! Let me first start off by saying that I didn't think that this website would work out! Praise God that I was wrong, am I right? So I was very encouraged by you guys, that I decided to open up to you guys because I feel secured that I can be loved by others and that they won't judge me.

So lately I was challenged by a lots of random things ranging from Christian songs, sermons, and advice from my peers. To sum all of them up, I have been struggling about what love is since fall semester ended. To many of you, that doesn't seem to be a big deal or even an issue to worry about, but lately its been eating me up inside. The reason why this is such an issue for me is because I don't think I know who God really is or even what he really is like... cause people have told me that God is Love. So if I don't know what love is, then I really don't know who God is. I know it sounds stupid, but even though I say to myself that I know God, I don't demonstrate the relationship that I share with him with others. In truth, I have learned that I am really a hateful person: I am quick to judge, first to cast the stone, and too angry. I try to shove my opinions down people's throats and try to make them see from my perspective than see from theirs. Some of the time I'm right, but I'm mostly blinded by my logic.

So where am I going with this? This has been questioning my faith so much that my conclusion is that I don't think I know God anymore. The past sunday, Pastor Dwight said that when God adopts you into his family that you have to love every member of that family even if you hate one person in it. He used the analogy that if someone said that they loved Pastor Dwight but hated his wife, then he would get frustrated cause that is his wife, the one he loves. I have been doing that almost all of my Christian life. I would say 90% of the time, I loved God, but at the same time hated some or most of God's children. If I truly love God, then why do I hate his children so much? That really doesn't reflect Godly love!

I know that I am loved by God and accepted into his holy family, but I don't know how to show this kind of love. What does exactly defines a loving relationship? In my biological family there is lots of bitterness. For example, after my grandpa was buried, my aunt argued the next day with my other uncle and his wife. The aunt started up by saying that my uncle shouldn't have been the inheritor of my grandpa's money and that they were wasting it (which they weren't). My immediate family would fight all the time to the point that the cops came. I would tell more about how messed up my family is, but I'll save it for another blog. To summarize my family life, I can say that they was no such thing as love in my family and that the concept of Love was no different than a fairy tale because it sounded so fake. To be honest, I think that there is still a part of me that thinks that Love doesn't exist. I guess that's where faith comes into play.

However that is where I am struggling in the most: faith. I love God, but I hate his children. Why are so many people so sinful and don't think of it as a problem. Why is drunkenness not cautioned? Why do people lie to the ones they love and hurt them further? So since I don't believe in Love, does that mean I don't believe in God?

However, I am reading my bible as much as I can to salvage this relationship that I have with God and with his other children. I still want to serve others because I know that even though people might not thank me or notice the things that I do that my Heavenly father is looking down and smiling on me, telling all of the heavenly host that I am his son! When I first heard these words, I never felt so loved before. Just hearing that though I will disappoint my biological father, that my Heavenly Father is sitting in the highest of all the heavens bragging (in my version God is bragging), "Did you see that? That is my boy, Jimmy! I couldn't be anymore proud of him". Even if at times people tell me that I am retarded or hate me, I KNOW that within every single intricate part of my mind and soul that God tells me that I don't disappoint him and that he has have faith in me because of his unbreakable love for me. That is the kind of God that I believe in!
(Wow I can't believe that I'm realizing this while I'm writing it!)

So even though I am struggling to know who or what God really is and how to love his children, that I know something about God that not many people figure out later in life. Even though its hard to believe in God at times, God will still believe in me and will be shouting and cheering me on with whatever struggles that I will go through and its all because he loves me!

This is Jimmy Song AKA "Beloved Child of God" and Jesus Fulfills My Life.