i. am. shallow. i. am. selfish.
this week or so i've been kind of struggling with my identity and my central focus in life. there were so many times when i was thinking about why am i like this, why do i feel a certain way about a certain issue, and why do i do the things i do. no matter where my train of thought was, it always led me to two points that i hate in other people and realized that they're within me.
i. am. shallow. i. am. selfish.
whenever i think about why i do things now, i always come to the same conclusion which is that in everything i do, i do it for myself and i do it for my own image so that ultimately it will make myself look better in other people's eyes. maybe so that they will like me, love me, or just give me those small words of praise. i don't know. when i come to think about my life, all i can think about is the emptiness that has continuously filled every single aspect. even when i went to retreats where i felt like i had met God, i now question whether or not i even really love Him. this concept of love is so daunting to me because if i don't love God, what is this life that i am living? if i truly loved God, wouldn't i put Him above all else without question? i have all this knowledge of what i'm supposed to, knowledge of how and why i am supposed to approach it, yet when it really comes down to it, i know DEEP within my heart that i don't really love Him. how can i even approach any other problems within my life if i don't resolve within myself if i actually love God down to the core of my being? i'm starting to realize that, within my last post, that when people approach me with questions and stuff like that, i enjoy being approached in that way because i know that they view me as a somewhat trustworthy person, probably a "Godly" person, and a pretty good person.
ALL OF THIS MEANS NOTHING AND IS ENTIRELY, UTTERLY MEANINGLESS IF GOD IS NOT THE CENTER OF ALL OF THIS.
how can i even think about anything else?
how can i even think about leading other people?
how can i even think about life without God?
there is a single fear in the depths of my heart which is the answer to the question that i now keep asking myself, do i love, adore, seek God? if i'm really honest with myself, i would have to say no. what i do keep finding myself answering in response is that i really love attention from the ones that i want attention from. this is how i am both selfish and shallow. and to be quite honest, when it came to crushes back in the day and maybe even to this day, i find myself "liking" the girls that were pretty which obviously shows my shallowness. when i remember about this fault in myself, the continuous question is "what the HELL am i living for?"
why can't i just be satisfied in the one who has saved me from myself?
the only reason people seem to find me good is because of my actions on the outer surface, but i can see the depths of my own self and the true reasons behind it all. at times in the back of my mind, i just want to be like a child and scream, curse, and throw a temper tantrum like i used to. i think if i'm really honest with myself, i am still that same child i used to be but just more outwardly "good." i know that i am childish in the way i act, but that's because i haven't grown up at all. i look at myself and i know that within myself the only thing that has really changed is the outside. am i just another churched korean kid? am i only doing the things i do because i simply just grew up this way? why can't i just take that next to responsibility since there is such a need for leaders? when i look at myself, i can only answer that i am just another churched child, i am only like this because it's engraved into my conscience, and i can't take the next step because i am still TRULY just a child. at times i think and feel like i've grown up, but i know the real is answer is that i am immature, spoiled, indifferent, shallow, selfish, and INSIGNIFICANT. I AM NOTHING. when i think about those movies where the people wish they were never born, i can't help wondering about that myself. do i really make a true difference? some may argue for me, but i have to argue against myself in that the world would still turn and things would be fine if i was never born. i believe this is so because i have rooted myself in my self-righteousness, in acts rather than true surrender, and simply myself.
i am also a deep judgmental person down to the core. i may say that i won't judge or that i don't care but i judge unconsciously every single person surrounding me. i can't even help it, it has become part of me. i am a terrible person. and all of this is because
I DO NOT LOVE GOD.
the bible says that if we don't love our brothers, then we do not love God. also, when i was getting into a discussion about predestination, Daegyu says that certain people are chosen by grace to be sons and daughters of Christ. what if i'm just fooling myself into thinking that i'm a Christian? there is an overwhelming amount of evidence SHOUTING at me in the direction to that of a non-believer. if looking at just my heart, how am i any different from a non-Christian? is Christ shown through me? what does it mean to love God? why do i praise? why do i go to church? why do i try to even begin to understand other people or begin to try to give advice to other people about the faith when i don't even have a the slightest of trust in the Lord? without God, i am nothing. i am worthless. i am just another dead tree waiting to be thrown into the pits of hell.
furthermore, how do we even know if we are being called by God or that we are His children if one can fool themselves? since i do not believe to the core that i love God, does this mean i'm not a Christian? according to the bible, we have to accept Christ as our saviour, but this brings into question genuine true acceptance and all that. how can i think of serving within RCF when i can't even serve God with a true and humble heart that fears him and reveres him and adores his works? leading praise? how can i think about any of that stuff... even while writing this, this could just be another act to get attention like a simple child. do i choose not to go to parties, getting drunk, or doing drugs because God is at the center of my life or because i just don't "fit" with those kind of people? do i think that i'm better than those who do those things? does going to church, going to small group, leading praise make me a better person than them or does it make me even worst because i'm just fooling my own self into thinking that i actually am better than them as a hypocrite? and even just a few hours ago, i posted onto my fb status "even if i turn away you're calling my name. even if i run away in you i shall remain. JFML - Jesus fulfills my life" which is the song that i wrote for our community group. am i just singing lies? am i living a lie? i don't even know if i am. i just..don't know. when i talk about leading praise or seminary is it because God is calling me or is it because i simply don't know what else to do? i'm starting to have so many doubts about myself and just the core of myself. in reflection of all of this blabbering, i can even say the words that i know would come in the following. i would probably say something to myself like "God's love is unfailing and everlasting and that even if we are imperfect in love for him, we can be sure that we are saved through God's unending love for his children. God's love never fails. Christianity isn't about our works but rather about Jesus' sacrifice for us. when we realize that and come to follow Christ, we can't help but sing him praises, spread the gospel, and bear good fruit." but what if i'm simply not a child of God? what if God didn't choose me to join him in everlasting peace and wholeness? since i know in my heart that i do not love God this doesn't necessarily mean that i'm not one of his chosen, but there's a good chance that i'm not. nothing incredibly remarkable within my life has been a moment where i would say "wow, God is real and he loves me." i have not had a particularly special or eventful life and as a result there are so many times when i look back and just feel empty. like for those who have crazy testimonies of how God has called them to his kingdom, i sort of sit there trying to think of how i changed by receiving God as my Lord and Saviour but can't really think of anything. it was like i was a "born and raised" good little Christian boy destined for mediocrity. when i can't think of anything that God is calling me towards, does that mean/could that mean that he's not calling me at all?
and i know that i'm supposed to close by describing how Jesus fulfills my life through the "event/story," but i can't seem to apply that in this situation. i could probably say some shallow things thinking about what i think God could be doing in this situation, but my vision is being so clouded with questions about myself.
-richard o
5 comments:
Richard,
you may feel like your emptiness is a sign of you turning away from God, but after reading what you have posted, I would much rather think that God is using this to His advantage. Many times, we're so caught up in our own "good intentions" that we fail to see our faults or blatantly ignore them. You, on the other hand, are humbled by your nothingness. It is when we realize we have nothing and wrestle with that challenge, God means everything to us.
Struggle is a critical part of the Christian faith and I think that your toils with the things you are struggling with will make you cling and rely on Him even more. Just the fact that you're admitting your faults out loud in this blog is evidence that God is working to mend your heart.
You're not alone either, everyone in JFML is going through some kind of hardship; whether it be spiritual, physical, emotional, psychological, but the fact that we're all struggling towards maintaining that awesome relationship with our Father is what makes coping with these struggles a bit easier.
I know how you feel and talking to my leaders at my home church, the only solution is reading the bible and praying, communication with our heavenly father DAILY is the key to having confidence in Christ. If we continue to live in a worldly perspective then of course we will start to doubt our faith because we are conformed by the world since we do little about our faith. Thanks again for this inspirational blog man. It was a good reminder to me and probably everyone else.
richard richard richard..... haahha u don't understand how sincerely i mean this when i say i can relate to literally all of that. i think you and i were raised very similarly and therefore go through similar struggles. like i feel like if i really wanted to say everything i wanted to say, this comment would be longer than ur entry HAHAHA. so instead, we should foreal just meet up. like come over my apt and ill make u food and we could just talk and share and stuff. like foreal foreal, i relate like crazy to everything in here. and i know it can be real tough bro. it's a constant struggle. and when you're not struggling with it, it's not cause i'm all better, it's cause i'm indifferent about it. which is just bad hahaha. but like how you said you don't love God. i think loving God comes automatically with KNOWING God. my yg pastor reeaaaallly emphasized that a lot. and to know God, we have to be in His Word. idk what your QT life looks like but i guarantee that a consistent one can only help. idk there's just a million things i can say hahhaa. but i really do feel you on like deep deep down do you truly love God? and i mean, im not saying that i know ur heart or that i know you in and out BUT, i think you should examine yourself a little more before you straight up say you don't love God at all. because love doesn't always look "good." i think a huge part of loving God is discipline. discipline meaning even when it's hard to love and obey God, and even when you straight up don't want to, you still press on. that's discipline and that's an aspect of love that may not look so pretty at times but it definitely is a part of LOVE. idk....i really wanna just have dinner or something with you (no homo :)) hahahah im dead serious too. like if you can come to the city ever or if you wanted to meet up while im at temple or something. im MORE than willing hahaha. lemme know! while i was reading it, i even had songs that i listen to when i feel like this. Delirious? - take off my shoes. that song just has delirious' main singer's heart and emotion poured into it. my hyung likes them and was telling me how if u really pay attention to the albums, you can see where they are in their faith. and like all humans, he has times of struggle too. and this song is really about just utter despair. and i feel like you might be around there hahaha. so just listen to the song if you can haha. have an open mind tho, my mind works in really weird ways so i may have made random connections that you might not get and thus make the song completely irrelevant to your situation. but worse comes to worst, it's a good song that you can enjoy HAHAH. so...ill see u soon? hahahah i really wanna talk yo. hit me up! foreal! hahahaha love u bro
You know honestly I really wish and hoped that you didn't hear that conversation because in a way pre-destination isn't something that people either new or with sand-like faith aren't suppose to hear yet. But I guess God ordained it to happen.
Richard, "God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son". Even if you are God's chosen child or not, that doesn't change the fact that God loves you! God loves those who struggle with their God-given aches and pains. In the end, it can make you or destroy you, but I don't think you will because God gave you your Temple RCF family and we are here for you.
God even loves those who will never know him. But you have the opportunity of knowing who God is! You have seen some form of his love before, we all have. The problem is that you can see the artwork, but not the artist's signature. Sometimes his artwork is cruel and emo, other times its very smoothing an calm.
Just read your bible and pursue HIM. Don't just sit on your butt and complain about it, but get up. Even Jesus and his disciples have told many people to "get up" from their crude paralyzed conditions and were healed because of their faith. Don't even come to others and ask them for advice for seeing God's infinite love. Don't even read books from Christian authors, just pursue God's already laid out book for you. He put it in your life for many reasons, this could be one of them.
-Jimmy Song
I understand. Richard, keep going, I'll be praying for you.
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